interpretthis: (lost_bj)
[personal profile] interpretthis
Title: Easy Way Out

Author: interpretthis

Fandom: Lost

Pairings/Characters: Ben/Juliet, OC

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Suicide

Summary: I’d chosen long before to love apathy in her place.

Notes: What’s this?  A FIC?  MON DIEU, IT IS! /writer’s block -- POST-“The Other Woman”



                The day it started was like any other: cold, dark and rainy.  I woke up with chest pains, a dull, persistent aching against my ribs.  I tried to ignore them.


                I’d chosen long before to love apathy in her place.


                She still slept beside me, her skin pale – pale like the hull of the plane before it split, pale like a corpse drained of blood.  I watched her with blank eyes, my legs folded beneath me, my heart still clunking in my chest like a car on its last leg. 


                She didn’t know how hard it was to love her like I did.


                I watched and watched, waiting for a slice of sun to flush across her face, waiting for a lapse in the rain to make it all worthwhile.  As it happened, she awoke and the sun did not.  Her face was smooth as stone, her eyes as dark.


                 I used to wonder if the sun hadn’t whispered its way out of existence without bothering to let us know.


                But she loved me.  I saw it in her eyes, in the turn of her lips, in the crease of her brow, in her cheeks. 


                she was mine she was mine she was mine she was mine


                She rose up and sighed across the floor, her pale pale legs swishing lightly beneath her pale pale slip.


                Do you want anything to eat?


                No, not anything.


                I heard her rummaging around in the kitchen.  Heard the ceramic shriek of the baking jar being opened.  Knew she’d chosen one of last night’s burnt muffins.


                You’re sure you don’t want anything to eat?


                I’m sure.


                There was human silence then for a long time.  The rain pelted the ground outside.  Pelted the roof.  Pelted my ears.


                I couldn’t stand it, but I had no choice.


                She came back into the room, still pale, still silent, still mine. 


                What do we do now?


                We do what ever you want to do.


                I don’t want to do anything.




                She watched me.  I watched the rain.  We didn’t need an excuse to love each other.  My heart gave a painful jump and I shifted.


                The thread that held it in my chest tightened and shivered.


                She went into the bathroom and closed the door and the next time I saw her she was pale on the inside and red on the out.  My eyes held her close from the doorway and the pain stopped, all of it.


                She died mine.


                Now she is everywhere.  Now it is all pale, blindingly pale.  The white stains the walls and the bed and the floor and the corners of my heart.  My mind is filled with blankness.  The chest pains come more often now, and maybe if she weren’t everywhere it wouldn’t hurt as much.


                Mr. Linus?  You have a visitor.


                There is a small girl in the doorway.  Her hair is thin and yellow.  Her eyes are bright.  Her outside is pale.  I do not know her.  She smiles.  She smiles, and it cracks the room’s white veneer.  A rosy blush surges across her smooth cheeks as she runs to my arms.  I do not know her, but I let her hug me anyway.


                Daddy daddy daddy daddy, I’ve missed you daddy.


                I do not know what I’ve missed.


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